To See You Smile

People always ask how I feel about broadcasting my life on the internet; the truth is that this genuinely does not bother me. I have stopped caring about what everybody else thinks. I will wear what I want and do what I want. I see no reason to fear people. These rules that you are too scared to break, have been created by people, what makes them superior? I am conscious not to offend anybody, or to provide too much detail about people in my life, but otherwise I write here unreservedly.

My honesty and openness is for one reason only. As a teenager, I did not have anybody in my life to guide me through my trials. I found myself incessantly wishing that I had somebody to teach me how to deal with my affliction, to listen, to remind me that everything would be okay. I wanted a person to ensure that things would get better and that they could say this with sincerity because they had been through it too. I wanted them to make me feel hopeful, because as long as I felt that bit of hope, I would have something to hold on to. Sadly, I did not have that person; I struggled through the misery alone, so now if I can, I would like to be that person for you. I want to help you in any way possible. I want to give you hope and tell you that everything will be okay, because it will. 

The abyss is terrifying, drawing you in until you fall hard against the arctic base of sorrow. You will lay there, only just breathing, but dead inside. Your fingertips are comatose, you feel nothing, you see nothing, you hear nothing, you become, nothing. Everybody is unfamiliar, and ignorant of your animate corpse. Life becomes a series of moving images, each meaningless and an amputation of existence. Death is your only liberty, the piercing of melancholy so deep within your soul that each breath becomes a punishment.

Losing hope is the most horrifying experience of ones life. The only people that agree with this are those that once experienced this loss. For those of you that are shaking your head at this current moment, stop for a second. Think about how low one would have to feel, to want to take their own life, to lose every bit of attachment to people, to have no reason to stay alive. Even my words cannot capture the depths of this occurrence. It is absolutely petrifying, to believe that one has nobody, to feel that there is nobody on earth that cares, to feel that if you died, nobody would notice, to feel so alone that you cry yourself to sleep each night. This feeling itself is the pain; it infiltrates your body until you forget what pleasure feels like. You can no longer describe it, you can no longer feel it; you enter a state of anaesthesia.

You lose your confidence, your self-worth, you lose everything. You lose it so quickly that you do not even realize when it became absent. You stop talking to people, you hide away, and in doing so, nobody takes any notice anymore. Suicide becomes a daily thought; you contemplate the different ways to do it. You wonder whether people will come to your funeral, or whether you will just make gossip of the week. You lose awareness of everything but go through the motions of life, as an unresponsive carcass. The signs are evident, but their eyes overlook it. This only deepens the aching and eventually you realize that you really do not matter at all. You search for hope, for something to hold on to, for something to get you through this. There is nothing.

Nobody stops to ask how you are, or to tell you that you will be okay; in fact nobody even apprehends that something is wrong. There is only one way out. Only one way to stop the pain, to relieve yourself, to put an end to everything.

The distressing thing is that this is so much more common than you can comprehend. In fact, somebody is going through this right now, and they need someone to tell them to be strong, and that they just need to hold on because it will get better. This person could be in your house, they could pass you in the street, serve you in a shop, stop their car to let you pass, this could be anybody. This is one of the reasons that I deem it so important to be nice to people, to be nice to everybody. You honestly have no idea what someone is going through. When you smile at them, or give them kind words, it could affect them more than you know. It could make them feel hopeful, and in that situation, these tiny gestures are everything. I remember all those times that strangers would smile at me on the street, and how for a second, I believed that maybe everything would be fine. It helped, if even for that moment.

When someone is rude to you, pause, and contemplate what could have made them act that way. What could they be going through?

No matter what you are going through, or what you will go through, remember that everything eventually passes, and this too, will pass. You may forget what it feels like to be happy, but the most important thing to do on these occasions, is to remember what you have. It is difficult to feel lucky when you believe that you have nothing, but the smallest of things can make a difference. For me, it was a significant moment that truly made me evaluate myself. 

Things slowly became clear, but I had to rebuild myself. I had to recreate friendships and start over. but the important notion was to believe that I was blessed. Now, when I become upset, I immediately think of my blessings and the predicament seems minute. I use this experience to remind myself that I can overcome anything. Feeling that low was one of the most difficult times of my life, but here I am, alhamdulillah. If I can do it, so can you. 

You need to feel good about yourself again, do something that once made you happy. Visit places from your childhood. Get out of your current surrounding. In time, the sadness dies and you'll come back to life.

I have said this before, but I strongly want to emphasis it again. If you ever need someone to talk to, or somebody to listen, Feel free to email me, I would love to help.